Rockin the Casbah
by Bocpony
Summary: A Seattle man gets transported to Equestria and has one goal: to bed Twilight Sparkle. But in order to do that he must make whoopie with her friends first. With each pony having an outlandish challenge to see if he’s worthy, will he hit it with them all, and finally take Twilight to Netflix and Chill? Read to find out!
1. CHAPTER 0: EQUESTRIA FUCKS

It was Christmas and I was on my way to rail my wife in the ass. I was speeding through the Seattle freeways, which were filled with cars that were driven by dudes who were on their way to rail their own wives in the ass. As you'd expect, it was like you were driving in Italy: cars swerving and crashing into eachother, some flying up in the air ass they hit shit, and some driving off the bridge.

I refused to end up like them. I had Jack Johnson blasting through my car stereo, and it motivated me right in my nuts. I was not going to die with Jack Johnson being the last thing I ever listened to.

I scream as I floor it through the anarchy, ramming through cars and eventually making it off the freeway. I wipe the sweat off my forehead. I just need to make it to the island before I miss my ferry. But alas, I have to destroy a toilet.

I swerve into the Alderwood Mall parking lot and run into the building and into the bathrooms, the shit literally touching my sphincter. I pull down my pants and just let it pour out my ass right in front of a kid, who just watched with a blankass expression like he had zero clue that I didn't make it to the stall.

Not wanting to grab unwanted attention I slide——yeah, I used my shit to slide——-into the stall, where I slam the door shut to wipe my ass.

Alas, I trip into the toilet and it flushes, transporting me like it was Harry Potter(god I fucking hate myself for making a Harry Potter reference).

I wake up, butt naked, in this field in a cartoon: I recognize those, skies, I'm in Equestria!

I instantly sit straight up and say to myself: "I'm gonna fuck Twilight Sparkle in the fucking ass."

I run as fast as I can to Twilight's castle, and when I reach it I knock.

Twilight opens the door to see my thick, throbbing penis staring her right in her eyes. Shocked, she slams the castle doors, snapping my erection.

"Suck it." I growl ferociously.

She hears my loud, gargling scream muffled through her doors, and she opens the doors to see MY FUCKING DICK LOOKING LIKE THIS

IT FUCKING HURT. BUT I STILL WANTED TO FUCK HER IN THE ASS.

She takes me inside and snaps my dick back into place and fixes it with magic.

She asks me where I'm from and I reply by showing her the music of my people, which is "Toxic" by Britany Spears.

I tell her I come from the land of superintelligent monkeys(the other monkeys can go fuck themselves) and that I wanted to insert my erect penis into her anus.

She looks at me like she just saw Christopher Lloyd's nudes and asks what my problem is. I tell her that I'm a married man and that I need my sex, and that it's not cheating if it's a cartoon horse.

She tells me we just met like five minutes ago. I tell her welcome to the human race.

I'm not backing down from my wish, and she understands that, so she gives me her idea: if I can fuck her friends, then I can fuck her.

Given that just gives me more ponies to fuck, I happily agree. She gives me a list of her friends, from easiest to fuck to hardest:

-Pinkie Pie

-Applejack

-Fluttershy

-Rainbow Dash

-Rarity

-Starlight Glimmer

-Twilight Sparkle

Rarity's hard to fuck?

"You'll see," Twilight replies.

I roll up the paper and I stick it up my ass. If I can fuck these ponies I can fuck Twilight. They're like the nicest motherfuckers ever, how hard can it be?

TO BE CONTINUED

End Credits Song: Sufjan Stevens-Death With Dignity


	2. CHAPTER 2: THE AFTERNOON TURNS PINK

I approach Pinkie Pie's house: also known as Sugarcube Corner.

I don't even bother knocking on the door, I just burst through their pathetic-ass gingerbread walls.

I march towards Ms. Cake, who is staring at me like I just punched Mr. Cake in the fucking face.

"WHERE THE FUCK IS THE PONK," I growl at her.

"Why she's upstairs, sir!"

As I begin to march upstairs I fall through a trap door and down a slide.

I rub my head in pain, even though I didn't hit my head. In front of me is a silhouette, a pink one.

It's Pinkie Pie.

"So Twilight told me you came here to fuck me," she said smugly, still standing in the shadows like this somehow made her more menacing.

I stand up proud, putting my chest out to look tough.

"I have indeed come to fuck you."

"Well in order to do that you gotta go through THIS!"

Out of the shadows come a shitload of cupcakes just flying my fucking direction, and I try to dodge them but holy fuck are there a lot. I crawl up the slide that leads upstairs, getting hit by so many cupcakes.

As I open the trap door I get hit in the face with a pan by Ms. Cake. I karate chop her heel, making her trip, giving me time to lift the rest of my body out of the floor. I wipe my bloody nose and turn to see Mr. Cake standing at the door, holding a wooden spoon in his mouth, ready to fight.

Before I can run towards him Ms. Cake bites my calf. I scream in pain and fall onto the countertop. Mr. Cake aggressively throws his head back and forth, using the spoon in his mouth to spank my bare ass repeatedly, and hard. I loudly grunt in pain with each hit, and Ms. Cake is cheering him on.

Unable to take it anymore, I swing around and punch Mr. Cake in the fucking face.

AND MS. CAKE GIVES ME THE SAME EXACT LOOK SHE GAVE ME WHEN I ENTERED THE BUILDING, I PUNCH HER TOO

I kick both of them when they're down until puddles of blood pool under their bodies.

Then Pinkie Pie jumps onto my back and grapples me. I'm struggling to support her weight, I aggressively slam my back on the walls and furniture to try and get her to get off my back, but the pink fucker is holding on tight!

Walls are destroyed, items are knocked off shelves, which in turn topple over, it's just a pain in the ass, Twilight's a piece of shit telling me this thing would be an easy fuck.

Pinkie drops me to the floor and begins stomping on my chest over and over, knocking the wind out of me.

As I see the light, I realize I'm not ready to die.

I have seven ponies to fuck.

All of a sudden, I gain the strength to punch Pinkie, making her fly through the ceiling.

I'm up and standing strong, the song "Pink" by Boris playing from some random place around us.

"You underestimate my power, Pinkie Pie," I say, pointing at the sky, where she's still falling from.

After she hits the ground, she lifts her pained head, and I kick it like a soccer ball, making her flip into a wall.

She stumbles onto her hooves, and says, "yes, but I'm not going down without a fight. I prefer to do this PINKIE PIE STYLE!"

Our fight soundtrack escalates as we punch eachother so fast Pinkie involuntarily triggers us into her hammerspace, where we're floating, portals to other places around Equestria surrounding us. The faster we consecutively punch and block punches the more our surroundings become pink, and a ball forms between us, rapidly growing. I shove it towards Pinkie, but she kicks it right back at me!

I dodge, the ball flying through a portal and vaporizing a tree.

Holy shit! I wonder if I can make another one!

I try again with Pinkie and we both punch and block until another ball forms, but before I can punch it she kicks me in the nads and shoves the ball into my stomach, making it explode.

She transports us back into Sugarcube Corner, laughing at my curled up body.

"Looks like you weren't able to pass my test," she says, looking down at me.

"Now you'll never fuck my friend."

As she gets close I uncurl my body and release the energy from the ball at her, causing her to burst to energetic flames of pure plasma.

As she's burning I deliver one last finishing hit: a cupcake to her face.

The building we're in explodes, and we're the only ones, left, Pinkie Pie injured from her burns, coughing at the smoke.

"*cough* You're stronger than I *cough* expected!"

Indeed I am. I help her up and brush the soot of her body.

"You *cough* can fuck me and check me off your list."

And so we fuck, right there. Right in the middle of a burnt black splatter that was Sugarcube Corner. Boo ya.

After we finish, I pull a balloon out my ass she pegged me with at one point, shaped like a dick, licked it clean, and set it aside a sleeping Pinkie. I simply walked away, towards Sweet Apple Acres.

TO BE CONTINUED

End Credits Song: Flaming Lips-Approaching Pavonis Mons by Balloon


End file.
